Difficult to share...

So, I wasn't planning on writing this, heck, we weren't planning on telling anyone, let alone the entire internet.  But, then I had a revelation.  I realized that so many times, I hide my tears and my grief, just because the topic makes people uncomfortable.

Last week, Emory and I learned that we were expecting #7.  Yes, you read that right.  We found out that we were pregnant with #7, #3 biologically, but #7 total.  That's a BIG number.  That's a scary number.  We weren't trying to get pregnant, in fact, I was on birth control.  However, God had different plans.  When I took the test, I screamed so loud,  I am sure my parents heard me 3 counties over.  I was terrified, fear consumed my thoughts.  How are we going to take care of 7 kids, how will I keep my sanity, when will I sleep, what will people say, what will people think, etc, etc.  Pretty sure you get the idea.  I was terrified.  Emory wasn't terrified, he was concerned for my sanity.  It was a shock.  A shock I quickly digested, and actually adjusted to the idea rather quickly.  I told myself I can do this, it's only 17% more work anyway.  I can do this.  We can do this.

What you need to know is this is not my 3rd pregnancy.  It is my 15th.  I have had 2 live births, and 12 miscarriages.  I have had every test in the world, and there is no indication as to why I miscarry, but I do.  My high risk OB believes the babies probably have had a chromosomal abnormality which would make them incompatible with life.  That is her opinion, that has not been proven.  Either way, we have only carried 2 babies to term.  Both were difficult pregnancies, and both resulted in pre-term labor beginning at about 24 weeks.  I was able to keep both babies in until 37 weeks.

So, all that to say, I wasn't shocked when I woke up 2 days later to bleeding.  I called my OB and reported to the ER.  I also wasn't shocked when the ER doctor told me he could not find a heartbeat.  This would be miscarriage number 13.  UGH!  MY heart was broken.  It's amazing how your feelings can change back and forth so quickly.  One minute I am terrified of having another baby, the next I am devastated by the loss of that sweet baby, and cannot believe that I won't be having number 7.  I hate how people never want to discuss miscarriage, that includes me.  After all, we have barely told anyone that we were even pregnant.  I purposely didn't tell people, because I knew the risk of miscarriage was so incredibly high.  I don't tell people because I don't want to have to untell them.  That is crazy.  Wouldn't we rather have support from our family and friends, wouldn't we rather people know what we are going through?  I've decided it's silly not to tell people, to hide it or be sad by myself.  So, that led me to blog about it.  I decided typing it out was easier than telling people verbally.

I have grieved this miscarriage much differently than the many before it.  It has probably been most like my very first one.  My heart is hurt.  I am incredibly sad.  It was much more painful this time, but I was a lot further along than I typically am.  The more miscarriages I had, the more numb I became.  Most times 100% expecting to miscarry.  Even with Collier, I wouldn't allow myself to get excited and we didn't share our news until I was 23 weeks pregnant.  I wasn't convinced that I wasn't going to miscarry.  Maybe that is why this is more difficult, having Collier such a short time ago, made me hopeful that I wouldn't experience miscarriage again.  My guard was down.  Maybe it is harder because I felt guilty for my original feelings of doubt and fear.  You know moms, we can always find a way to blame ourselves.  I don't know why this one was so much harder, but it has been.  I know that God has a plan in all of this, and there was a purpose in this pregnancy, and a plan for our sweet unborn baby, but it still makes my heart hurt.

I know people never know what to say, and there really isn't anything to say. I am not writing this for sympathy, but as a way to work through my feelings.  Praying that women that suffer a miscarriage will be more willing to talk about it, rather than hurt and grieve in silence, like I typically do.

Thanks for reading my ramblings.  I promise a happier post is coming.